Thursday, December 08, 2005

Holy Hypocrite, Batman!

Merry Christmas + Happy New Year = Happy Holidays.

It doesn't take Christ out of anything, so shut up, already, you radical theocratic elites!

But you won't. Not while there is a chance to panic foolish Christians into thinking they are persecuted so that they will turn out in record numbers to defeat the Devil and the Democratic Party without a thought in the world about what they are actually supporting in doing so.

Jerry Falwell and his "Friend or Foe" Christmas campaign is out there advocating a boycott of anyone and anything that doesn't put "Christmas" into their holiday. Christmas sales, not Holiday sales. Christmas tree, not Holiday tree. Christmas suicides not Holiday suicides.

Then George Bush sends out the official White House Christmas Card and it says "Holiday Greetings" and not "Christmas Greetings." It also included an Old Testement verse.

A lot of conservative Christians were infuriated, and threw their "Holiday" card in the trash.

And Jerry Falwell, who organized the boycott? He said this: "There's a verse from Scripture in it. I don't mind that at all, as long as we don't try to pretend we're not a nation under God."

Uh, so you're saying that if WalMart or Target put up a verse of OLD TESTEMENT scripture, you wouldn't think they were part of a vast liberal conspiracy to outlaw Christmas?

How about:

"When a ruler hath sinned, and done somewhat through ignorance against any of the commandments of the LORD his God concerning things which should not be done, and is guilty; Or if his sin, wherein he hath sinned, come to his knowledge; he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats, a male without blemish: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of the goat, and kill it in the place where they kill the burnt offering before the LORD: it is a sin offering. And the priest shall take of the blood of the sin offering with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering, and shall pour out his blood at the bottom of the altar of burnt offering. And he shall burn all his fat upon the altar, as the fat of the sacrifice of peace offerings: and the priest shall make an atonement for him as concerning his sin, and it shall be forgiven him." --Leviticus 4:22-26.

Let's all send George a goat this Christmas.

I really like this one, I think the "Jersey Girls" and other 9-11 widows ought to send to the White House and any critics of their stand against the administration's policies:

"Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child. If thou afflict them in any wise, and they cry at all unto me, I will surely hear their cry; And my wrath shall wax hot, and I will kill you with the sword; and your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless." Exodus 22:22-24

Here's a thought. How about at CHRISTMAS TIME, we put CHRIST back in CHRISTIAN?

Maybe we could pull out the NEW TESTEMENT and look at some of the things Jesus Would Do. You know, like the bumper sticker on the back of your Lexus says.

Maybe you could consider how Jesus was executed for a crime he didn't commit and how he actually stopped a legal execution, and then join the fight to end the death penalty.

Maybe you could consider how Jesus said to avoid wealth and to pay your taxes, and advocated helping the poor, feeding the hungry, healing the sick, and doing good works. Just because good works alone don't get you into Heaven, it doesn't mean don't do them. So, maybe, you could stop helping rich people and corporations avoid taxation, and start working on social justice and poverty issues.

Maybe you could consider how Jesus said to love your enemy and to turn the other cheek and how he asked his disciples not to take up arms in his defense...and then maybe you could start working for peace instead of ardently supporting the Iraq war, along with the detention and torture of people in secret prisons.

Maybe you could consider how Jesus instructed us to ask God to forgive us as we forgive others...and adopt a tendency toward forgiveness rather than vengeance.

Maybe you could consider how Jesus revered his Father in Heaven, and remember that while God could have put a fence around the Tree of Knowledge, he didn't. He gave us the opportunity to choose to obey him. Then maybe you might stop working so fervently to legislate morality and instead, like God, support giving people the freedom to choose not to sin. God is pro-choice and anti-abortion...why can't you understand that Democrats can be too?

Maybe you could consider how Jesus asked us to ask God to deliver us from evil and then stop putting your faith in George Bush's ability to deliver us from evil.

These are just my Christmas musings. I guess I agree with Jerry Falwell that Christ ought to play a bigger role in Christmas...I just don't think Jerry is as well aquainted with Jesus as he thinks he is...or that using religion to shape a political agenda is what Jesus would do...because there is one thing Jesus definitely was not...and that's a politician.

Thank you, Jesus.

Special extra bonus! More Old Testement stocking stuffers--perfect for your Christmas observance and guaranteed to placate the Reverend Falwell:

  • God Loves Slavery: "If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing." Exodus 21:2

  • God Loves The Death Penalty, and demands you be put the death for: killing men; killing men with guile; cursing either of your parents; stealing people to sell them; any mischief resulting in death (but if your ox kills someone, you can kill the ox rather than be killed yourself...unless your ox likes pushing people, you have been warned of this, it gets loose and kills a man or a woman, then you must be killed); being a witch; sleeping with animals; worshipping any other god; afflicting widows or their children (he really hates this); or giving your seed to Molech (one of the gods that God mentions but doesn't want you to worship or mention); committing adultery; sleeping with your mother or seeing your father naked; sleeping with your daughter-in-law; having gay sex; sleeping with your wife and her mother at the same time (all three of you must be purified by fire in this case); fornication with animals; being a wizard or having a familiar spirit; being the daughter of a priest who pretends to be a whore (fire, again); committing blasphemy using God's name. Exodus 21:12-29, Exodus 22:18-20, Exodus 22:22-24, and Leviticus 20,21,24

  • God wants your first born sons, booze, and fruit: "Thou shalt not delay to offer the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors: the firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me." Exodus 22:29

  • God hates: blemished bullocks improperly killed and burned on the sacrifical altar; people who eat fat and drink blood; people who aren't stoolies, people who touch dirty dead things; people who touch unclean living people; people who sin and who don't bring sin offerings of lambs, goats, doves, pigeons, rams or bullocks to be sacrificed on the altar; people who eat fat, ox, sheep or goat; people who eat things that die of natural causes; people who eat camels, rabbits, and pigs (oh my!) ; people who eat shrimp, scallops, lobster, or any other aquatic life without fins and scales; people who eat eagles, ossifrages, osprays, vultures, kites, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckows, other kinds of hawks, little owls, cormorants, great owls, swans, pelicans, gier eagles, storks, herons, lapwings, and bats (No kidding. He thought he had to tell us not to eat bats), any fowls that creep upon all fours; people who don't wash their clothes after they touch any dead thing that they can't eat; dead weasles, mice, tortoises, ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, and moles; uncircumcised men; dirty laundry if it has the seed of copulation or menstrual blood on it (or belongs to someone who has touched an unclean dead thing); lepers; people who don't obey Him; people who see their relatives naked (including halves, steps, and in-laws); people who see other people and their relatives naked together even if they are not your own relatives; people who look at nakes women who are menstruating; people who burn their seed of copulation (this is considered a sacrifice to Molech); people who say bad things about deaf people or trip blind people; people who cross breed cattle or make clothes of different fibers; people with tattoos; people who have cosmetic surgery, shave their heads or trim their beards; people who turn their daughters into prostitutes; men who marry whores; men who don't marry within their own people; men who don't marry virgins; peopel who kill an animal and its young on the same day; usery; liars; people who don't return other people's asses when they get loose; people who accept gifts; oppress strangers; farmers who don't rest their fields every 7th year; blood mixed with leavened bread; mixing meat and dairy products; people who don't bust up images of other gods --Leviticus 1, 3:17, 5, 7:23-24, 11,12,13,15,18,19,21,22, and 25; Exodus 23

Special Thanks to God Hates Shrimp


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Archie.
You are one righteous dude.

Merry Christmas Archie!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Archie Levine said...

Well, one righteous dude is all it takes, so I guess Roanoke is saved from the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah. The rest of you cities in this Godless country...yer on yer own.

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow Archie,it's a shame you have nothing to say.

11:37 AM  
Blogger R said...

God why don't I read your blog BEFORE i blog?!! I always wind up saying the exact same thing you've already said..but you say it better. I love how the Right keep creating distractions. And the ignorant buy it up.

8:46 PM  
Blogger Weniki said...

Hi Archie,

Flaming liberal on the west coast here- my sister Laura just sent me a link to your blog.

Love it! HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Archie :-)

11:21 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

Oh, so very glad I read this. THANK YOU, once again for wrapping up the hypocrisy subject so very well, and providing us all a little biblical education where we might have needed some. Happy Holy-Days to you, and have a Fab safe new year!!!!!

9:17 AM  

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